Losing You
by AndreeaRaducan
Summary: AU. What happens when all you have left is one choice? Based on 'If I Stay'.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: A new story inspired by a movie I watched yesterday (if you follow me on Twitter, you'll probably know which movie I'm talking about).**

**Thank you again to Aoife (HotchnerJareau) for all your help! Without you, I wouldn't be able to get my ideas out into actual chapters as fast as I have been (note: I only formulated this idea last night, Aoife helped me straighten it into a potential story)**

**Thanks to Kae for helping me with locations around Virginia so I could keep this story as realistic as possible!**

**Another note to say that I've been nominated for a handful of awards in the Profiler's Choice Awards. It would mean the world to me if you could head over and vote before February 15th, but especially if you vote for my story 'Stars Can't Shine Without Darkness'. That story documents through fictional characters what my friend Chloe went through battling brain cancer, and it would mean the world to me if it won its category.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Every time one of her parents' voices climbed above normal levels, Abigail LaMontagne cringed. Her shaking figure sat against the wall beside their bedroom door, taking in every word that left their mouths, every word which was not soft enough to be muffled by walls and doors.

"You are _never_ home, JJ! How do you expect to be a good mother if you're never here? I do everything around here because you're off chasing serial killers!" she heard her father yell.

It broke her little heart to hear such words coming from them. They had started arguing almost the moment her mom stepped through the door upon arriving home from a case. Weren't these supposed to be her role models? Weren't they supposed to be happy? Gulping, she let the first few tears fall down her cheeks and land silently on her lap. Was this the beginning of the end?

True, it wasn't the first time they had argued. In fact, recently, they had been arguing a lot. Her dad had stopped kissing her mom if she was home when he left for work. Abigail, however, had noticed that they never kissed anymore. She could remember the days when she was little, when her mom and dad would dance around each other in the kitchen, laughing and kissing as they made breakfast for her and Henry.

She used to find it gross, but now she wished more than ever that they were still that happy.

"You knew what you were getting into when this relationship started, William!"

Abigail winced. William. Her mom _never _used her dad's full name. Unless she wasreally mad.

"Why the hell did we ever get married then?"

Abigail almost gasped. Something hit the floor with a thud, and Abigail knew that her mother was just as stunned as she was.

"You're unbelievable," came the sound of her mother's voice just moments before the bedroom door flew open. Abigail stayed frozen to the wall as her mom stormed off down the stairs.

"That's right, JJ, storm off like always!" her father called menacingly from the bedroom, before slamming the door once more.

As soon as the door was shut, Abigail leapt into action. She could hear keys jangling, and then the sound of the front door opening. Taking the stairs two at a time, she ran off in pursuit of her mother.

"Mommy! Mom! Wait!" she yelled, grabbing her coat off the rack by the door and pulling the door closed behind her as she went out onto the front step.

"Mommy!" she yelled again, finally getting her mother's attention.

JJ sighed. "Abigail, go back inside"

Abigail tried to pull her coat on, slipping on the icy path as she made her way to her mom. Stumbling slightly, she was relieved when her mom grabbed her arm to steady her.

"Where are you going?" she asked once she had her footing again.

"For a drive. Go back inside," JJ replied shortly, turning towards the car. Abigail could tell her mom was furious. It was in her voice, her words, and her eyes.

"Can I come with you?"

"Abigail-"

"You're sad, Momma, I want to make you happy, I like when you're happy," Abigail rambled off, still holding onto her mom's hand.

JJ sighed again. "Get in"

Abigail grinned, making her way through the coating of snow on the ground to get in the passenger side of the car.

Before too long, they were driving away from the suburbs, navigating the snowy roads as the radio filled the silence in the car. JJ had remained stoically silent as Abigail gazed out the window.

"Can we go to Skyline Drive?" Abigail asked, referring to the scenic drive through the national park that both she and her mother loved dearly.

JJ raised an eyebrow at her daughter as they came to a stop at a red light. "That's a long drive out there, sweet girl. And it's a long road to drive. And we don't really have anything with us"

"I know," Abigail sighed, playing with the cuff of her sleeve. "But it's so pretty out there, and you said it's one of your favourite places. It's only morning, and I know we've got some stuff in the back, some water and blankets and stuff. We could go for a little while.

JJ had to smile. "I guess we can do a little bit of it if you like. We just have to check first, it might be closed due to the snow"

Abigail nodded excitedly, grabbing her mom's phone. After perusing through the browser for a few minutes, she looked up happily. "The south end is closed due to snow. The rest of it is a little snowy but is still open as the road is clear. It just says that drivers should take extra precautions"

JJ smiled. Her frustration with Will was ebbing away slowly at the thought of a spontaneous scenic drive with her little girl. Maybe some time out in Shenandoah National Park would help clear her head. Then when they got home...she could try to fix whatever had broken.

The drive out went quicker than expected. It seemed as though the weather was keeping a lot of people off the roads. Even with the minimal traffic, JJ was careful to stay alert. Snowy roads could be a real disaster if one was not cautious.

Abigail happily sang along to the radio as they made their way out towards the park, her eyes closed and her head bopping slightly as she sung the lyrics. JJ had to grin at the carefree nature of her child.

Before too long, they had reached the northern entrance and paid the entry fee. Abigail bounced in her seat, her face pressed to the glass as the beautiful scenery unfolded around them.

"It's so pretty out here," she sighed, turning to look at her mom.

"It sure is, peanut," JJ mused, taking in the beauty of the nature as they drove down the winding road.

Sitting in silence for a moment, Abigail looked up at her mom once more.

"Why do you and Daddy fight so much?"

JJ's heart sank.

She knew that the problems between her and Will had reached an all-time high, and she knew Abigail and Henry had to have noticed.

"We don't get along like we used to," she replied softly.

"Why not?"

JJ opened her mouth to reply, but found she didn't have an answer. Was that why they had problems? Because neither of them knew what had caused them and therefore, it couldn't be fixed?

"I don't know"

"Do you still love Daddy?"

The simple question caught JJ off guard. It was so innocent, yet so deep.

As she went to answer her daughter's question, the car suddenly lost all traction on the road as it approached a rather snowy bend marked by signs. JJ gripped the steering wheel tightly, her knuckles gleaming white like the snow as they skidded around the bend in the road, fighting to control the vehicle.

And then, just a moment too late, she saw the other car. Abigail screamed, her nails digging into her mother's arm.

There was a sickening crunch of metal, the sound of her daughter's screams, and the shattering of glass.

And that was that.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here we go, another chapter! This chapter should tell you exactly which movie I got the idea from (if you've seen it/heard of it. If you still have no idea, PM me and I'll tell you because it was a seriously amazing movie).**

**Also I may be adding a bit more to the start of this chapter when a lovely friend (Casie01) helps me out with 911 stuff, but I was so excited to upload I just couldn't wait for her email!**

**Please leave a review and tell me what you thought! This story is going to be a wild ride!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

"_Unit 2 dispatch, 1179 Skyline Drive near mile marker 32"_

"_Dispatch, go ahead"_

"_Unit 2, 1179 Skyline Drive near mile marker 32, multi vehicle accident, major injuries, vehicles are 1125. Fire enroute"_

"_Dispatch, I copy, show me enroute"_

* * *

Awakening slowly, JJ found herself lying on her back in the snow, staring up at the cold grey sky.

She wasn't cold. Her clothes weren't damp. This was odd, considering the snow she was laying on had to be at least a foot deep.

Sitting up slowly, she found herself examining her body. There was neither a cut nor a scrape to be found. Yet, from where she was currently sitting, she had clearly been flung a long way from the car. How was she uninjured?

Pulling herself to her feet, which she noted as being bare, she walked up a slight incline and back onto the road. She felt numb. Confused, and numb.

It was chaos.

There were fire-fighters, paramedics, and police officers wandering around, some looking more stressed than others. The mangled remains of two cars blocked off the road from the northern side. JJ recognised her own vehicle, crumpled like a tin can.

"Excuse me, I-" she started as a fire-fighter approached her, but she faltered when he walked past without a second glance in her direction.

"What's happening? What happened?" she called, walking towards a police officer who was leaning on the hood of a marked vehicle. She watched incredulously as he walked off as though he hadn't heard her.

What the hell _had_ happened? All JJ could remember was the split second before impact. After that, it was all a blur.

Her thoughts turned to her daughter. Her daughter who had screamed in fear and clung to her arm like an eagle clutching its prey.

Looking down at her right arm, JJ pushed her sleeve up.

No marks. Not one to indicate that her daughter had ever dug her nails into her mother's flesh.

"Abigail?" she called, looking up. "Abigail!"

Seeing two paramedics and a couple of firefighters huddled on the ground near the edge of the road, JJ started towards them, her chest heaving in the cold air as she tried to stay calm.

"I need help, my daughter, I can't find her-"

She broke off, gasping in horror as she finally saw what the medics were huddled over.

It was her own body.

"What the fuck is going on?" she asked herself in a horrified whisper, taking a step back as her eyes widened.

She certainly didn't look as good lying on the ground as she did where she was standing on the road. Her left leg was mangled, the flesh and muscle torn away by the rough surface of the road to reveal the bone below. The cuts and bruises she had searched for back in the ditch at the side of the road were adorning her face. One eye was completely blackened and swollen.

It was clear she wasn't breathing well enough on her own, as one of the medics was venting her with a mask. Her shirt had been torn away so they could perform first aid on her chest, exposing one of her breasts. They had started an IV, running hopefully life-saving fluids into her.

"Her Glasgow Coma is a seven, we need to move!" one of the medics yelled urgently.

"The medivac is going to meet us at Virginia Health System, we need to get her there as fast as we can!"

"Tell them to have a trauma team ready!"

Glasgow Coma? Seven? JJ had no idea what they were shouting, but from their tone, she knew she was in a critical condition. She watched as they stabilised her neck in a collar, before putting her onto a backboard and lifting her onto a gurney.

"What about the little girl?" one of the medics asked.

"Yes, Abigail! Where is she?" JJ yelled, moving closer once more.

"She's stable for ground transport. They've already left with her through the northern entrance, they're taking her straight to Georgetown University Hospital. You guys are going out the nearest southern entrance, straight to VHS in Charlottesville!"

Following along in a daze as they took her lifeless body to a waiting ambulance, JJ had the sudden urge to throw up. She felt lost.

"Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!" she screamed, staggering around in a circle as she repeatedly pummelled the heel of her hand into the side of her head.

She had no idea what was happening.

The only thing she was certain of was that she needed to stay with her injured self. She couldn't explain why, but she had an odd feeling that something bad would happen if she got separated from herself.

"Female, aged early forties, critical, enroute to Virginia Health System now," one of the medics said into his mic as JJ passed him.

Critical.

That wasn't good.

Climbing into the back of the ambulance, JJ sat hunched up by the window in the back door, unable to watch as the skilled medics continued working on her lifeless form. As the ambulance pulled away, leaving the chaos of the crash scene behind, a thousand questions swam through JJ's mind.

What had happened in that accident? Why was she able to see herself, and why could no-one else hear her or see her?

The scenery of Skyline Drive swam before her eyes as the ambulance carefully navigated its way along the snowy road. The accident had happened almost a third of the way along the scenic drive, just a few hundred metres from a steep cliff.

JJ's stomach turned at the thought that it could have been so much worse. Even though it was already pretty bad, going over the edge of a cliff made it look a hell of a lot better.

"She's stable, but just. Blood pressure is seventy over forty, she has to be bleeding internally," one of the medics called out, breaking JJ from her thoughts.

"She's just gotta hold on until we get to VHS, ok blondie?" the female medic said gently, stroking the top of JJ's hair, her words soothing and kind. JJ felt a rush of appreciation for the medic; the calm in the center of the storm.

"Just hang in there darling"

* * *

"_Why haven't you married?"_

_The question threw JJ completely off guard. Although, nothing about the way they worked this case had struck her as normal. There she was, sitting in a bar with the lead detective, who currently had a very large beer in his hand._

"_That involves this case...how, exactly..."_

"_It doesn't," William LaMontagne Jr admitted. "I'm just flirtin'"_

_JJ could feel a grin spreading across her face, but quickly fought it away, scoffing as she glanced down at the bar._

"_It's unprofessional. You don't have to answer that," Will added quietly._

_JJ watched him with a smile on her face. He was flustered, and it was actually quite cute._

'_Down girl,' she scolded herself. 'You're here on a professional courtesy, not to pick up the detective in a bar'_

"'_scuse me. Compliments of the woman in the blue top," came the voice of a waitress as she reached around JJ and set a drink down in front of Will._

_JJ glanced over to see a pretty woman wave flirtatiously at Will before turning back to her friends. A pang of jealousy rose up in her chest._

'_Get a freaking grip, Jareau'_

_Laughing, she turned back to Will. "Wow, that was...bold"_

"_Well, she mighta thought we were just workin'," Will offered simply._

_Frowning, JJ gestured at the counter in front of them. "We are"_

_Grinning, Will lowered his voice. "What, are you jealous?"_

_Laughing slightly, JJ didn't know where to look. "No, I just...I...I'm surprised, that's all-"_

"_Yeah, and you're a lousy liar too," Will replied through his laughter at JJ's clear lack of words. "Haven't had much practice, huh?"_

_Whacking his shoulder, JJ grinned. "It's a 'culture thing'. Let's see"_

_Picking up the drink that the other woman had sent him, she placed it in front of him._

"_There you go"_

* * *

The next thing JJ knew, she was following the medical team out the back of the ambulance and into the building ahead. She was still as confused as hell. She jogged behind them, listening intently as they called out to each other while keeping a steady run down the hallways.

"What have we got here?" asked an approaching trauma doctor.

"Collapsed lung, broken ribs-" started one of the medics, the kind one who had been so gentle with JJ in the ambulance.

"Looks like three," added another, a younger man with dark hair.

"Abrasions to the legs, face-" continued the kind medic as they turned a corner and came to a stop in a curtained off room.

"Brain contusions, full extent unknown-" the younger medic rattled off. It was like a symphony, both of them rattling off her injuries in perfect timing. However, it scared JJ to hear that so many things were wrong with her, especially with her brain.

"And an internal bleed," finished the kind medic.

"Call ahead to Georgetown, tell them she needs an X-ray, ultrasound, 12 chem, and they all better be ready for her arrival. Let's type and cross match her, send it off to Georgetown so they can have the blood ready when she arrives. Let's get a chest tube in, relieve the pressure, and get her up to the roof"

They were moving her by helicopter. That indicated to JJ just how serious her condition was.

Was she ever going to wake up? Or would she be stuck as a spectral being for her entire life, bound to the earth by her lifeless body?

She watched in horror as they cut a deep gash into the side of her chest. That, combined with everything else that had happened today, was enough to push her over the edge.

Stepping back out through the curtain, she leaned over the nearest garbage can and emptied her stomach into it. She grimaced as she did so; it didn't feel...right.

That had been a long time coming, from the moment she saw herself lying on the side of the road.

As she straightened up and wiped her mouth, the team of doctors and medics came racing back out, the new tube dangling from her side as they headed for the elevator. Following at a run, JJ slipped into the elevator behind them, finally getting a closer look at herself as the lift trundled up to the rooftop.

Her skin was so pale it was almost grey. JJ wondered how much blood she had lost and how much more she could stand to lose.

Moments later, the doors opened again, spitting them out onto the rooftop. A helicopter was awaiting their arrival, blades turning steadily in the wind, ready to go at a moment's notice.

"She's stabilised but just barely, keep an eye on her!" the young dark haired medic yelled to the flight nurse over the noise from the chopper.

"Don't worry, she's in good hands!"

JJ watched as the kind medic leaned down, brushing JJ's blonde locks away from her pale face.

"You hang in there, darling. I'm going to be at Georgetown hospital in a few days, so when I come and check up on you, those eyes better be open," she said softly, just before JJ was whisked away into the helicopter.

As she climbed in behind the team of flight nurses, JJ's eyes were filled with tears. It made her heart swell to think that a woman who had never met her before, had never seen her eyes nor her smile, or heard her voice, cared for her so deeply.

With a deafening whoosh, the helicopter lifted from the helipad, rising high above the skies of Charlottesville enroute to DC.

"I'm coming for you, baby girl," JJ whispered, thinking of her sweet Abigail. "Just hang in there, Momma's coming"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Ok, here's a new chapter!**

**Don't worry, I am going to update my other stories. I just have to roll with it when I get a new idea, spit it all out and calm down to a normal pace after a few chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

The low hum of the TV was the only sound Will could hear as he sat at the kitchen table reading through the day's mail. He was still angry with JJ. Although, he realised, lately he was always angry with JJ.

He found himself wondering where it had all started to go wrong. They weren't happy anymore, and while he couldn't fathom a divorce, it just wasn't a healthy way to live. It wasn't just taking a toll on them, it was hurting their kids too.

He was frustrated that JJ had stormed out, which she always did when she got seriously angry. Even though they both needed time to cool off, it had pissed him off when JJ left, taking Abigail with her.

"No doubt filling that child's head with lies about me," he muttered under his breath, flicking through a magazine that had come with the mail. Seeing nothing of interest in it, he set it aside and looked up towards the TV in the lounge room.

A daytime soap was playing. Will hated the soaps with a passion, and so instantly got up in search of the remote.

Approaching the nearest end table, he found it sitting beside the lamp. Reaching for it, he was about to shut the TV off when the soap cut away to commercial break.

That was normal, but an immediate news headline wasn't.

"_We're coming to you live from Shenandoah National Park to bring you this headline. There has been a major accident involving two vehicles along Skyline Drive. At least two people are in a critical condition, one is being airlifted to DC as we speak. The crash happened around half past eleven this morning. No-one is sure exactly how it happened, but police believe at least one of the vehicles lost control due to the conditions of the road..."_

"Jesus," Will muttered, watching the helicopter footage from above the crash. Both vehicles looked like they'd been crushed. It was a wonder how anyone had survived that.

"Dad?"

Turning at the sound of his son's voice, Will took in Henry's pale face and wide eyes. "What's wrong, Henry?"

Henry pointed feebly at the front door. "A squad car just pulled in the driveway"

Will's stomach dropped as he moved to the window and saw that Henry was correct. A squad car in the driveway was never a good sign.

"Stay here," Will said softly to his son as he made his way to the front door.

Opening the door just as the officer ascended the front step, he realised it was one of his senior colleagues, Darren Wilder.

* * *

_Pulling himself out of the passenger side of the squad car, Will had barely shut the door when the front door of his home opened and JJ came flying out._

"_William LaMontagne, why are you coming home in a squad car?" she shrieked, running towards him._

"_We went for drinks after closing a case. I had a bit too much and lost my keys somewhere at the precinct when I went back to get my things. Darren offered to drop me home before going on patrol," Will explained quickly._

_Giving Darren a quick wave, JJ turned and cuffed Will over the back of the head before walking back inside._

_Rubbing his head, Will waved to Darren as he pulled out of the driveway, before following his wife inside._

"_JJ, I-"_

_He was cut off by a sob escaping his wife._

"_JJ!" he said incredulously, closing the front door behind him._

"_I thought something had happened to you," JJ sobbed. "I thought you'd been shot or something the second that car pulled in"_

_Exhaling heavily, Will finally understood why she'd been so upset outside._

"_I'm sorry, JJ, I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't even think twice about it when Darren offered to drive me home," he said softly, pulling JJ into a tight hug._

"_I love you," she choked out, clutching at him like a lifeline._

"_I love you too, cher," Will murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple and rubbing her back in soothing circles. "I'm sorry"_

* * *

"Darren...what's going on?" he asked feebly.

"Will...there's been an accident," Darren started slowly, his voice shaking.

Will found himself gripping the door frame for support. He knew what Darren was going to say, but he couldn't bring himself to voice that beforehand.

"JJ and Abigail," Darren started softly, thinking of the two girls he'd come to know and love through Will. "They were in an accident in Shenandoah National Park"

"It's on the news," Will mumbled as Henry appeared behind him. "How bad is it?"

"I don't know their conditions...but I do know that Abigail is on her way to Georgetown University Hospital by ambulance, and JJ is on her way to the same hospital by helicopter. I can take you straight there now, they're almost there"

Will nodded, swallowing thickly as he grabbed his jacket, wallet, phone, and house keys from beside the front door. Henry grabbed his jacket also, following his father and Darren out the door towards the squad car.

Within minutes, they were already on their way to the hospital. Darren had turned on the sirens so that they could beat the traffic, knowing that JJ and Abigail were not far away, and wanting to get Will and Henry there before them.

As they raced down street after street, Will felt like he was going to throw up.

Sure, he'd been pissed off with JJ. But now, the thought that she was obviously seriously injured scared him.

If JJ died...

'No, she's not going to die'

And Abigail. His sweet little girl. At least she was on the ground. If they were comfortable taking her by ambulance for over an hour, she was holding her own.

But he was angry at JJ for not making Abigail stay at home. If she hadn't stormed out, if she'd made Abigail stay home...

'Stop it, it's done. They had no idea this was going to happen'

In the backseat, Henry was fighting back tears. His mom and his sister both hurt badly. His mom and his dad unable to get along. It was turning into a hell of a day.

He prayed that they would be ok. It had been a miserable few weeks in their house, but he couldn't imagine life without his mom and his sister.

'They'll be ok. Stop worrying. They'll be ok'

As the hospital came into view at the end of the street, Henry looked up into the sky and saw a red and white helicopter rapidly approaching the roof of the hospital.

"Is that Mom?" he asked softly, gesturing up at the sky.

Glancing up through the windshield, Darren nodded. "Yeah kiddo, that'll be your mom. Abigail won't be far away if your mom's here"

Pulling into the emergency department's parking lot, Darren had barely stopped the car when Will threw open the door and leapt out, pulling Henry's door open before racing off towards the entrance.

"Tell your dad I'm gonna wait around, ok?" Darren called after Henry as the teenager leapt out of the car in pursuit of his father. Getting a harried 'ok' in reply, he pulled away from the main entrance in search of a space.

Dodging the people milling around the ER, Will raced up to the desk.

"My wife and daughter were in a car accident, I need to know if they're ok," he said hurriedly.

The desk clerk nodded, holding up a hand to slow him down. "Ok sir, what are their names?"

"Jennifer Jareau and Abigail LaMontagne," Will replied.

Turning to the computer, the clerk tapped away at the keyboard quickly, sifting through records and folders as fast as she could.

"Dad! It's Abby!" Henry called, pointing to the gurney that had just come flying through the door from the ambulance bay.

Turning around so quickly that he nearly lost his balance, Will made a beeline for the gurney which looked like it was carrying a bundle of blankets. Upon getting closer, he recognised his little girl's face poking out at the top end of the gurney.

"Who are you?" one of the doctors called to him.

"I'm her father," Will called back.

"She's stable, breathing ok on her own, possibly bleeding internally, her blood pressure took a significant drop in the ambulance. She needs a CT, let's get her worked up and up to paediatrics," one of the doctors called as they turned a corner and entered a trauma room.

"Sir, I need you to stay outside. We need room to work," one of the nurses said gently as Will attempted to follow.

"But, I-"

"Your daughter is in good hands, I promise," the nurse said reassuringly, before excusing herself into the room.

"Dad...I think that's Mom," Henry said in a small voice, pointing towards the nearby elevators.

Looking in the direction his son was pointing, Will felt like his legs were going to collapse as the gurney approached them and turned into the adjacent trauma room.

JJ looked a lot worse than Abigail. She clearly wasn't breathing on her own, as a tube had been put down her throat. Another tube poking out from beneath the blankets appeared to be draining a large amount of blood from somewhere near her chest. Her face was battered and bruised, and her skin was pale.

"Please tell me she's ok," he breathed, moving to the doors of JJ's trauma room.

He and Henry watched as she was lifted from the helicopter gurney to the hospital one. The blankets were pulled away, revealing the hastily wrapped bandages on her lower left leg.

When they pulled them away, revealing the mangled flesh, Henry nearly passed out.

"Oh god," he choked, turning in search of a garbage can. Spying one just down the hallway, he sprinted for it, reaching it just in time to violently upend his breakfast.

Moments later, Abigail was being moved out of her trauma room.

"Sir, we're taking your daughter upstairs for a CT scan, and then she's going to be admitted to paediatrics," the nurse from earlier called to Will.

"I'll go with Abby," Henry said weakly as he approached his father again. Will nodded slightly, watching in a daze as Henry walked off with the team of doctors and nurses who were going to save his daughter's life.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm on a roll with this one. **

**Now most of you figured out that this story is based on If I Stay. Some chapters will be more similar than others, but I have big plans for this story.**

**Please read the Chapter 1 author's note about the PCA's! It would mean the world to me if you voted!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

He was here.

Standing at the door of the trauma room with his hand pressed against the glass, watching as they worked on her with intense concentration.

Tears welled in her eyes as she turned and pressed her hand to the same spot as his. She was practically touching him, yet he had no idea she was there.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking into his blue eyes and wishing more than anything that he could see her standing right in front of him. She didn't know what she was sorry for; letting their problems get to the point where their marriage was falling apart, storming off, putting Abigail in harm's way...everything, really.

"Ok, let's get her up to surgery, now! We need to remove the spleen, drain the lung, and figure out what's causing the bleed! If she wants to live, she better start fighting!" one of the doctors yelled, pulling up the guard rails at the edge of JJ's gurney and squeezing the bag on the ventilation mask, breathing for her.

Saving her life.

Turning and following the doctors out of the room, JJ was at a loss.

"Start fighting? How am I supposed to start fighting?" she yelled desperately, despite knowing she wasn't going to get any answers.

Following them down the hall to the elevators, she was starting to panic. What was going on? She was scared, confused, and lost.

"Someone just talk to me, please, someone help me!"

* * *

_Watching as JJ slowly moved around his living room, looking at the photos he had scattered around, Will smiled. He was already completely smitten with the petite blonde, and they barely knew each other._

_There was something about her that he just loved immensely. Whether it was her smile, the way her eyes flashed when she laughed, or the total dedication to her job and helping others, he wasn't sure. But something had him very attracted to Jennifer Jareau, and it wasn't just her looks._

"_Is this your dad?"_

_Snapping out of his thoughts, Will found JJ looking at him from across the room, holding a photo frame that she had plucked from the center of the mantle. He knew it was a photo of him and his dad sitting in the middle of a lake in their boat. Will looked drenched from head to toe, but was grinning from ear to ear._

_Breaking into a soft smile, he sauntered over to her, looking lovingly at the photo in her hands. "Yeah, that's him"_

"_You look so happy," JJ mused quietly._

_Will chuckled softly, taking the photo into his hands. "That was my sixteenth birthday. My daddy took me out on the boat to go fishing. We caught three fish, and the fourth one was so strong that I went overboard"_

_JJ laughed, the reason behind Will's apparent soaking in the photo now clear._

"_But it was a good day," Will said softly, setting the photo back in its place._

"_You miss him a lot, don't you?"_

_Will shrugged. "Every day. It seems like there's always somethin' happenin' that I wish he was here to experience"_

_Looking at JJ, he gave her a small smile. "I wish he coulda met you. He'd love you"_

_JJ blushed, laughing slightly as she wondered whether he was serious._

"_I don't know...I can be a bit of a handful," she replied, moving a little closer to Will._

'_Oh my god, Jareau, you're like a teenage girl,' she immediately chastised herself. Since the moment she'd met Will, she'd noticed she had let her guard down more and more, becoming more flirty with him every time she opened her mouth. And half the time, she couldn't believe herself._

"_Yeah?" Will replied, a teasing lilt in his voice as he looked straight into JJ's eyes. Since when were they so close? Did he do that?_

"_Yeah," JJ whispered just seconds before his lips met hers. _

_It wasn't a forceful kiss, but rather gentle and sweet._

_And abrupt, for as quickly as it had happened, Will had pulled away._

"_I'm so sorry," he apologised quickly. "I don't know what came over me-"_

"_No, I definitely want to do that again," JJ said quickly, pulling him back towards her and pressing her lips to his._

_And that was how they found themselves standing in the middle of Will's lounge room, arms wrapped around each other, kissing softly, laughing each time they came up for air._

_To JJ, it was perfect._

* * *

Entering the operating room behind the team of doctors, JJ was ready to lose it. She wanted to break down, scream, cry, break something...she wanted someone to hear her, and she wanted someone to help her.

She moved closer to the end of the table where they had already raised a drape. Her eyes were still closed, her skin was steadily turning into an even sicker shade of grey, and the ventilation bag had been swapped with a machine.

"Am I going to die? Is that what this is?" she asked softly to no-one in particular, her eyes wet with tears.

She watched as the anaesthesiologist leaned down beside her ear and spoke softly.

"Here's the secret, beautiful. You control this whole thing. If you live, if you die, it's all up to you. So whatever fight you have in you, you gotta pull it out now"

The nurse's words ringing in her ears, JJ slowly backed out of the room as they started cutting into her abdomen.

'_If you live, if you die, it's all up to you_'

"Let's get two units of O-neg up, and have two ready to go," one of the surgeons called out.

"I think we're going to need a lot more than that," one of the others said grimly.

"Can we track down blood relatives please?" the first surgeon asked.

"Her husband and son are already here. I believe someone is already speaking with him," a nurse called back calmly.

Slipping out through the swinging doors, JJ headed back down the hall in the direction they had come. At least Will was here. Things weren't good between them, but it gave her a sense of comfort to know he was here.

As she passed a room on her left at the end of the hallway, she noticed a little girl sitting inside with her mom.

"Abigail," she gasped, suddenly remembering that she had yet to see her baby girl.

Turning the corner, she ran down the hall, heading for the large map of the hospital that was mounted on the wall at the end. Practically skidding to a stop in front of it, she scanned it as fast as her eyes would allow.

"Paediatrics...paediatrics," she muttered. Finally spotting the department she was looking for, she took off back down the hall.

* * *

"_He's just a guy, Jen," Sandy Jareau laughed on the other end of the phone._

"_Yeah, but he might be THE guy," JJ mused, making her mother laugh again._

"_You sound exactly like you did at thirteen. You like to play it so tough, but I know so much better. Your team would have an absolute field day if they knew about your old biology book-"_

"_Mom, I swear to god-"_

"_-'Jennifer Jareau loves Timothy Hall' over and over and over. No wonder you did so poorly in bio"_

_JJ could feel the heat creeping up her cheeks, and she wondered if her mother could sense that, because she was still laughing._

"_You're unbelievable, Mom, why do I still call you?"_

"_Because I'm your mother and you love me," Sandy replied seriously, laughter forgotten._

"_That's debatable," JJ teased._

"_Oh you. So anyway, you met him on a case, he's very handsome-"_

"_His accent is to die for," JJ mused._

"_Someone's got it bad," Sandy laughed. "But you know what, you sound happy. It might be long distance, and you might be awfully stubborn and refuse to tell anyone but your poor old mother, but if he makes you happy, it'll work"_

"_He does make me happy," JJ replied softly, smiling as she thought of Will's last visit to DC. _

"_Good, because if he was making you miserable, I'd fly to New Orleans and whoop his ass for you," Sandy said. This time, it was JJ's turn to laugh._

"_Why does that not surprise me?" _

"_Because I would do anything to protect you. You might be all grown up and living on your own with a career in the FBI, but to me, you'll forever be the little girl who giggled at everything and had to have at least one hug from everyone before bed each night"_

_JJ smiled, leaning back in the chair she was sitting in. "I love you, Mom, you know that right?"_

_Sandy chuckled softly. _

"_Of course I do. I love you too"_

* * *

Having located Abigail's name on the board at the entrance to the paediatrics department, JJ sprinted down the halls, looking for room 205.

Just when she was convinced she must have already run past it, she spotted the plaque she looking for, next to the door at the end of the hallway.

Heaving a sigh of relief, she allowed a small smile to cross her face as she stood at the window, watching her son running gentle circles with his thumb on the back of his sister's hand.

"Abby," she breathed, slipping through the partially open door and slowly crossing the room to Abigail's bedside. "Oh baby, I'm sorry"

She placed her hand on Abigail's chest, lightly resting it over her daughter's heart. Just seconds later, Abigail lifted her hand, sluggishly swatting at the space above where her mother's hand was resting.

JJ quickly realised that because kids had better imaginations than most adults, and were less closed off to the world, her little girl was probably more aware of her presence than she had expected.

Leaning down, she gently stroked the top of Abigail's head. "It's all going to be ok, sweetheart. You're going to fight your way through this. We'll be ok"

'We have to be,' she thought as she looked up at her son. He looked pale, sick, and distraught. She had seen him get sick after they'd pulled away the bandages on her leg in the trauma room. Her poor boy, having to watch his mother and sister fight for their lives.

She wasn't going to let him watch them die.

Not a chance in hell.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Another one!**

**Please leave me a review and tell me what you thought! It takes just a minute to do, and it really helps me prepare for upcoming chapters!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

He was terrified that she was going to die.

Problems aside, from the moment Darren had relayed the news, Will had realised just how much he needed Jennifer Jareau in his life. When he'd learned that JJ had been airlifted to the hospital, he'd realised how critical her situation was.

And he was suddenly imagining a life without her.

That was not a life he wanted.

"I need you to pull through, cher...we need to fix what we broke," he murmured to himself, clutching his head in his hands. "We've been such idiots"

"Will!"

Recognising the voice of Aaron Hotchner, Will looked up to find JJ's team filtering into the waiting room.

"You guys didn't have to come," he said feebly, pulling himself to his feet.

"We got a text from Hotch saying that JJ and Abigail had been in an accident, of course we were going to come!" Kate replied.

Will nodded in understanding. He had known the moment he'd sent the text to Hotch that the rest of the team would know within the hour.

"How are they?" Morgan asked, his expression grave.

Will sighed, reaching behind him for the seat he had just vacated. Taking it once more, he leant forward, his hands clasped with his elbows on his knees.

"JJ's critical. Comatose from what I heard. They have to remove her spleen, drain her collapsed lung, and figure out why she's bleeding internally. She's been in surgery for about three hours, and the nurse just told me they've still got a long way to go to save her life," he said softly. He watched as all their expressions fell significantly. Obviously they'd been hoping for a glimmer of good news.

"Abigail's...ok, I guess. She's asleep at the moment, but Henry's with her. She was unconscious, but more responsive than JJ was," he continued, his voice growing softer with each word.

"Is she in Paediatrics?" Spencer asked gently. When Will nodded in reply, he turned on his heel and left the room, obviously going to make sure Henry and Abigail were alright.

"Will...what happened?" Rossi said gently as the team all took seats around their devastated friend.

"She got home this morning, and I was pissed off with her because the case took so long. I got angry, we started fighting, and I...said a few things I probably shouldn't have. She stormed out and left. I realised about twenty minutes later that Abigail had gone with her. And then a couple of hours later, my colleague is standing on our front step telling me they've been in an accident," Will explained, his voice faltering as tears started to spill over. A few moments passed in silence.

He then stunned the entire group by bursting into tears.

"We've been...having some issues lately, and all I can think about is that...if she dies today, the last thing I said to her was why the hell did we ever get married and that's...that's not the last memory of me I want her to have," he sobbed, burying his face in his hands.

Penelope was the first to move, positioning herself beside Will and wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. Tears of her own were spilling down her cheeks from beneath her glasses as she held her best friend's husband.

None of them voiced what they wanted to say. That JJ wasn't going to die. Because no-one knew for sure what the rest of the day held.

* * *

_Their hands were entwined as they walked along the bank of the Mississippi River in the cool night air. They had just eaten at a fancy French restaurant, and were now taking the long way back to Will's apartment to enjoy the nice weather the night had to offer._

"_So what's next on the agenda?" JJ asked with a grin. The day had been busy, what with her arrival that morning, followed by shopping, followed by a trip to the local bar, and then dinner._

"_Oh, I don't know," Will replied teasingly, stopping and turning to face JJ. "I might just wanna admire how beautiful my girlfriend is"_

_JJ smiled, her cheeks turning pink as she moved closer, looping her arms around his waist. "Is that so?"_

"_Yeah," Will replied with a slight laugh, cupping her jaw between his hands and pressing his lips to hers. He kissed her sweetly, holding her close as she moved her arms up around his neck._

"_I love you," she whispered as they broke apart._

_Initially slightly surprised at JJ's proclamation, Will smiled, holding her as close as he could._

"_I love you too"_

* * *

It felt like hours that they had sat in the waiting room, hanging on desperately for any news of how their two girls were going. Once Will had calmed down, Kate and Penelope had left to source caffeine for everyone, needing to escape the heavy weight of the ICU.

Will was lost in his thoughts. His girls had to be ok. They needed to be. He would take back everything he said, he would be fine with having JJ away on a case every week if he just knew that she was alive.

As Hotch and Rossi spoke softly amongst themselves, Will looked up to find Kate offering him a steaming Styrofoam cup.

"Thanks, but caffeine's only gonna wind me up," he said softly, waving it away slightly with his hand.

Sitting down beside him, Kate pressed the cup into his hand. "I know. That's why it's hot chocolate"

Will chuckled softly, taking a sip and finding that it was indeed, hot chocolate. As the warm liquid travelled down his throat, he realised how much he had needed it. It was soothing and comforting to feel it warm him from the inside out.

"Thanks," he replied, cradling the cup in his hands.

"Have you called anyone else? JJ's parents for instance?" Kate suggested softly.

"I called her mom just after I messaged Hotch. She's getting on the first available flight from Pennsylvania"

Looking up, Will watched as a team of doctors and nurses wheeled a bed down the hall towards the ICU.

"JJ," he said suddenly, leaping to his feet. The team jumped up as well, following Will out of the waiting room and towards the ICU.

"I can only allow immediate family in at this time," said the charge nurse as the group approached the opening doors to the ICU. "Mr LaMontagne?"

Will nodded, continuing to follow the group of medical staff as the team hung back.

"There we go," one of the doctors said softly as JJ's bed was stopped against the wall.

"How are we doing, beautiful?" the anaesthesiologist said gently, brushing JJ's hair away from her face. "I told them I didn't wanna leave you. I'm not letting you out of my sight"

Will had to smile as he watched her talking to his wife. She was kind, and gentle. She made Will feel like someone was looking out for his girl.

"Are you this beautiful girl's husband?" she asked, turning to Will with a warm smile on her face.

Will nodded, swallowing thickly as they hooked JJ's intubation tube up to the ventilator.

"She's strong, that's for sure. She's holding up well. Her doctor will be in shortly to speak with you," she said kindly, placing a hand on Will's arm in a comforting manner. Reading her name tag, Will saw that her name was Grace.

"Thank you," Will whispered, suddenly feeling very intimidated by the state JJ was in.

"Feel free to sit with her. You can hold her hand and talk to her," Grace said gently, pulling the nearby chair over for Will to sit in.

Nodding, Will slowly lowered himself into the chair, taking in JJ's battered form. Once the remaining staff had left the room, he found himself unsure of what he wanted to say.

Ever so gently, he took JJ's uninjured hand in his, running his thumb over her knuckles in a repetitive motion.

"I do love you, JJ...these past few months have been...hell," he said quietly, sounding very unsure of himself. "I wish you didn't have to be lying here for me to finally see that"

Taking a deep breath, he swallowed thickly. "Abigail's ok. She's resting. Spencer and Henry are with her. She just needs her momma to pull through now. So don't you dare think about quittin' on us"

He looked down at the floor for a moment, fighting back tears. "I know sorry isn't going to fix what we screwed up, but I want to fix it, Jayje. We had something real good going until we went and messed it up. I don't want the last things we said to each other to be in hatred and anger...so please hang in there darlin'. Please just hang on"

He had no idea that his wife was sitting right beside him, silently agreeing as tears streamed down her face.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I know I added this super fast, but the idea was there, so why not?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Day wore into night. JJ had sat in the corner of her room in the ICU for what felt like hours, watching as Will talked to her unconscious form. She knew he was fighting the urge to be angry, and she didn't blame him. If she hadn't stormed off, they wouldn't be sitting here. But she also knew that without the accident, they didn't have much hope of fixing their marriage.

She could see her team outside the window, standing and watching with concern. She knew they were itching to get in and see her. She wanted nothing more than to hear their voices, hear them reassure her that she could do this.

Sometime around dinner, her mom had arrived with her brother in tow. JJ wondered where Daniel's wife was. Probably at home with their two kids, Jacob and Samantha.

She had fought back tears as Will vacated his seat to allow his mother-in-law to sit down. Saying he needed some air, he had left the room.

Not wanting to hear anything to do with her sister, Rosaline, at that present moment, JJ had got up and followed.

They barely made it out of the electric doors at the entrance to the ICU when the elevator opened in front of them, revealing a distraught Spencer trying to hold up a hysterically crying Henry.

"Let go of me Uncle Spence, I need to go back to Abby," Henry shrieked, fighting hard against his uncle's hold. "Let go of me! Let me go! Abby! ABBY!"

"Henry? Spencer, what happened? Why aren't you with Abigail?" Will exclaimed, reaching out for his son.

"Dad...it's Abby," Henry sobbed, collapsing into his father's arms. "She...she..."

Spencer shook his head, tears spilling down his cheeks. "She had a massive epidural hematoma in her brain, Will...there was nothing they could do"

JJ's blood ran cold. No...no, not her little Abigail.

She watched in horror as Will's face contorted into a mixture of emotion. He didn't know what to say, do, or feel. Henry was limp on the ground at his feet, still sobbing for his sister.

Just seconds later, Will snapped. Whirling around, he threw a punch at the nearest wall, repeatedly pummelling his fist into the hard surface as the tears came and the anger seeped out.

"Will! WILL!" Morgan cried out, having heard the commotion from the waiting room and coming to investigate. Grabbing the Southerner, he pulled him away and dragged him down the hall, practically throwing him into an empty chair.

"Punching the shit out of the hospital walls won't bring her back," he said softly, the tears evident in his eyes.

Will leaned forward, burying his face in his hands and sobbing hysterically for his daughter. He paid no attention to his injured knuckles and the blood that was now running down his arm.

Turning away, JJ took off down the nearest corridor, taking random turns when she felt she needed to. She was hyper-ventilating, her lungs couldn't draw in enough oxygen. She needed Abigail. Abigail was their little princess, and now, because JJ couldn't stay and fight her battles, she was gone.

Finally, halfway down an almost empty corridor, her legs collapsed beneath her, sending her sprawling across the linoleum.

Pulling herself up to her knees, she fought to control the hysterical sobs that were escaping her body.

"GOD!" she screamed angrily through gritted teeth, punching the hard floor with her clenched fist. Sobbing, she leaned back, trying desperately to draw air into her lungs. Hitting the floor again, she pushed her hair back off her face, practically pulling at it with her hands.

"GOD, I," she screamed again, unable to finds the words she wanted to vent her anger.

"I don't wanna do this anymore," she whispered in a panicked breath. Throwing her hands down on the floor in front of her, she screamed. "I want this to BE OVER!"

Suddenly, her vision disappeared. Everything in front of her was white. Something was beeping desperately, trying to get the attention it needed.

This was it.

* * *

_Cradling JJ against his bare chest, Will gently ran his fingers through her hair, over and over until it was almost robotic._

"_You're lost in thought up there," JJ said teasingly, lifting her face and kissing his jawbone as she smiled at him._

_Will grinned. "Just thinkin' about how you seem so sweet in everyday life, yet you're a total nut between the sheets"_

_A hot red flush crept up JJ's cheeks as Will laughed._

"_You don't like that?" JJ asked quietly._

"_No," Will replied seriously, waiting a moment just to drag it out. "I _love_ it"_

_Giving him a look of fake shock, JJ whacked his shoulder, making him laugh again. "Will! You had me thinking you didn't like sleeping with me for a second there"_

"_You're cute when you're defensive," he teased, earning himself a hard poke in the ribs. "Ow! JJ, that one hurt!"_

_This time, it was JJ's turn to laugh. "Serves you right, LaMontagne"_

"_Ok, ok, I yield," Will chuckled, pressing a kiss to JJ's temple. "I do love you"_

"_I do love you too," JJ smirked. "Sometimes"_

"_Do you like having a nice bed to sleep in free of charge when you're down here? Because I can change that," Will teased._

"_Paying me to sleep here is called prostitution and is frowned upon in most civilised countries," JJ replied dryly. Will laughed._

"_I could make you sleep in the front yard"_

_JJ raised an eyebrow. "All your neighbours are bachelors. I'm sure if I swing my hips and bat my eyelids enough, one of them would give me a bed"_

_Will had to laugh at that. Joking aside, he pressed a sweet kiss to JJ's lips._

"_I wish you didn't have to go home tomorrow," he said mournfully._

_JJ sighed. "Me too. But life awaits. You can come up next weekend if we don't get a case"_

_Kissing her again, Will pulled her close. "Sounds like a plan"_

* * *

When she finally managed to take stock of her surroundings again, JJ realised she was sitting on the floor outside the doors to the ICU. Alarms were going off like crazy inside, and nurses were all running towards one of the rooms.

"My room," she said, pulling herself to her feet and following a male nurse as he ran in.

"Abdomen's rigid, belly must be full of fluid. Let's get her back to the OR," one of the doctors called out.

With a hiss, she was disconnected from the ventilator and reattached to the manual bag. JJ ran along behind them as they moved her out of the ICU and towards the elevator.

"BP and pulse ox are dropping!"

JJ watched as Grace, the kind nurse from earlier, leaned down towards her as they waited for the elevator.

"Alright sweetheart, we can only carry you so far. After that, it's all you," she said softly, brushing JJ's hair away from her face.

As the doors opened and they wheeled her into the elevator, JJ saw Will come around the corner.

"Oh my god, JJ," he breathed, his eyes red and puffy. "Please don't leave me, please"

"I won't," JJ replied, just seconds before the doors closed in front of her.

For a moment, she locked eyes with her husband, silently promising him she would do everything she could to pull through.

If only he could see it.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Another one!**

**Please please please guys, please take the time to review and let me know what you think. I've been updating quickly because the inspiration is fresh, but that also means that I start second guessing myself after uploading a new chapter. The people who have reviewed seem to enjoy them, but having a wide range of opinions will really help me tailor this story to what you guys want to read!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

The morgue.

She'd lost count of the amount of times she'd been inside a morgue for her line of work. But now, it was different. She wasn't going in to examine the dead body of a person she'd never met.

She was going in to see her little girl on the cold hard table.

Her real world self was still in surgery as far as she was aware. She assumed everything was going ok, as her coma self still felt relatively as it had for the past few hours.

Following Will through the door, JJ was already crying. She hated herself more than she ever had right now. Her baby girl had died due to an accident that didn't have to happen. If only she had just stayed home...

When Will let out a choked sob, JJ's heart broke, the tears flowing more freely than before as they approached the illuminated table upon which their daughter lay.

"Can't you take the tube out?" Will asked the orderly, who had lowered the sheet so that Will could see Abigail's face.

"I'm sorry sir...I can't," the young man said apologetically. "Hospital policy"

As the orderly turned and left the room to give Will privacy, Will slowly approached the table on which his daughter lay.

With her strawberry blonde hair sitting in curls underneath her, her skin pale and smattered with freckles, she could've been sleeping.

Obviously the sight of her was too much, because Will burst into tears the second he got close enough to see her face.

"I'm so sorry, princess," he sobbed, reaching for her little hand. Holding it between his own, he allowed his tears to fall freely. "I'm sorry for not coming to check on you...I'm sorry that this happened to you"

Placing one hand over her heart, he leaned down, kissing her forehead. His tears pooled on her momentarily before disappearing into her hair.

"I love you, Abigail. I love you," he choked, squeezing her hand one more time before his legs gave out beneath him.

JJ watched on, completely shattered as she watched her normally strong husband sink to his knees on the concrete floor. She'd done that. She'd reduced him to that wreck.

Approaching the table, she placed one hand on top of Abigail's head, smoothing out the curls that had sprung free from the rest.

"Momma loves you, sweet girl. If I could turn back the clock and not get in that car, I would," she said softly, her voice cracking as her own emotion took over. "You were supposed to grow up and experience the world...have your first kiss, fall in love...learn to drive, graduate from high school...and I took that away from you"

Her tears were rapidly dampening Abigail's sweet face. "I love you, Abigail, you'll always be my little girl"

And then she couldn't look anymore. She had to walk away, because if she looked for a second longer at her baby girl lying on that cold slab, she was going to completely lose her fucking mind.

"FUCK!" she screamed, throwing a punch at the hard brick wall behind her. It hurt like an absolute bitch, but it hurt less than all the bullshit the day had thrown at her.

Collapsing to the ground, she buried her face in her hands.

"I'm done," she whispered, shaking her head. "I can't go on anymore"

Closing her eyes, she slowly sat back against the wall, wishing harder than she'd ever wished for anything to have one more chance. One more chance to go back and change what had happened.

One more chance to still have her baby girl.

* * *

"_Mommy!" Abigail shrieked, darting behind her mother and grabbing onto her legs just as she stepped inside the door._

"_Woah, baby girl, what's going on?" JJ laughed._

"_Daddy's a monster! He's gonna eat me!" Abigail yelled. Grabbing JJ's hand, she tugged her mom away from the front door. "Hurry Mommy, you don't want him to eat you too!"_

_JJ burst out laughing as she heard Will roar somewhere upstairs. "Ok baby girl, where are we gonna hide?" she asked, dropping her bag on the couch and scooping Abigail up onto her hip._

"_Under the kitchen sink!"_

_JJ grinned. "I don't think Mommy's gonna fit under the sink, babe"_

_Abigail giggled. "Oops. We need a big person hiding place"_

_Hearing the heavy thumps of Will coming down the stairs, Abigail squealed. "Momma!"_

_Fighting back more laughter, JJ quickly darted down the back hallway, pulling open the closet door and slipping inside._

"_Stay nice and quiet, Abby," she whispered as she closed the door again. Abigail giggled, making a 'shh' noise and burying her face in her mom's shoulder._

"_I'm very hungry! I need a little girl for dinner!" Will said in a deep voice from the kitchen. "Maybe with some barbecue sauce"_

_JJ snorted, clamping her hand over her mouth as she fought back an impossibly strong urge to laugh. If there was an opportunity to smother his food with condiment, Will always went for the barbecue sauce._

"_I can hear you, little monster. Are you hiding with the mommy monster?"_

_Abigail gasped. "He knows, Momma, he knows you're here!"_

_JJ had to giggle at her girl. Her innocence and imagination were so sweet._

"_RAAARRRRR!" Will yelled, throwing the closet door open so abruptly that JJ jumped. Abigail screamed, nearly deafening JJ in one ear before she burst out laughing._

"_You finded us!" she giggled, reaching out for her dad._

"_Well, it wasn't hard because Mommy laughed when I said I'd smother you in barbecue sauce," Will explained with a grin, kissing Abigail's forehead._

"_Mommy, it's your entire fault. What if Daddy had eaten me?" Abigail admonished as the three of them headed for the kitchen._

"_Oh baby girl, I don't think that was ever gonna happen," JJ chuckled, moving over to the fridge as Will set Abigail down near the kitchen table._

_As Abigail ran off to find something else to do, Will moved up behind his wife, snaking his arms around her waist and nuzzling her neck._

_Letting the fridge door fall closed, JJ sighed, tilting her head to give him better access. "I missed you"_

"_Mm, I missed you too," Will replied, spinning her around and lifting her up onto the adjacent counter._

_With a smile, JJ cupped his face in her hands, kissing him deeply and passionately as his arms slid around her waist._

"_I'm gonna show you just how much I missed you once the kids are asleep," Will said huskily as he broke the kiss._

"_Yeah?" JJ asked with a smile, their faces just millimetres apart._

"_Yeah," Will replied, capturing her lips in a heated kiss once more._

"_What are you doing?"_

_Jumping apart at the sound of their daughter's voice, JJ and Will hastily tried to cover themselves. JJ leapt down off the counter, while Will smoothed down his shirt._

"_We were...uh, I was...kissing your momma, princess," Will stammered._

"_Why?" Abigail asked, cocking her head at her parents._

"_Because I love her," Will replied._

"_I love pizza, but I don't kiss pizza like that," Abigail said simply. JJ bit her lip as she tried to fight back her laughter, earning an elbow to the ribs from Will._

"_I, uh...Abby, we...I mean," Will stuttered, clearly lost for words. JJ was shaking with laughter behind him, finding her husband's predicament quite amusing._

"_Why was Mommy on the counter? She tells me off for climbing on the counter," Abigail added, her earlier statement forgotten._

_Turning to JJ, Will raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, Mommy, why were you on the counter?"_

_JJ smirked. "Daddy lifted me up there because we were playing a game. A game that you can only play when you're married"_

"_Ok. I'm bored now," Abigail stated, turning and running off to the front lounge room._

_Will heaved a sigh of relief as JJ burst out laughing._

"_Your face when she said she doesn't kiss pizza like that, I wish I had a photo," she teased._

"_Thanks JJ, you were a great help," Will said dryly as his wife laughed hysterically in front of him._

"_You love me," JJ said flirtatiously, snaking her arms around Will's neck._

_Will shrugged. "Sometimes," he replied with a smile, pulling his wife into his embrace. _

"_I sometimes love you," JJ murmured, savouring the safety and comfort her husband's arms offered her._

_They stood there for as long as they could without being interrupted by their children, just holding each other. It was all JJ had needed during the case. _

_Just to be held by Will, comforted without words, and loved unconditionally._

* * *

Opening her eyes suddenly, JJ realised she was curled up on the floor of her room in the ICU.

'This teleporting around the hospital is getting really creepy,' she thought as she pulled herself up to her feet.

Her comatose self was back in the ICU, looking thinner and paler than ever. How the hell did she look like she'd dropped half her body weight in twelve hours?

Looking out the window, she saw her mom and Hotch talking to the charge nurse. Her mom looked pale, tired, and distraught. Hotch looked a little more put together, but his clothes were dishevelled and JJ could tell he was in dire need of decent caffeine.

Seeing the two of them there was enough to tell her that everyone was still there, still waiting for her to wake up.

Will was back by her bedside. JJ greatly appreciated his dedication to her over the past day. She had seen his true feelings come out now that she was hanging between life and death. And it had given her great confidence that if she chose to go on, they could work things out.

But could they, now that the death of their little girl was hanging in the air?

Settling herself into the chair on the opposite side of the bed, she watched as he absently ran gentle circles on the back of her hand.

After some time, he started to rise from his chair, evidently heading out of the room for a break. He leaned down and pressed a loving kiss to her forehead, lingering for just a moment before standing up and turning away.

"Will," JJ whispered, tears in her eyes as she watched him. "Will, what do I do?"

And then he turned, so suddenly that JJ was sure he'd heard her.

Slowly, he took his seat once more, holding her hand just as he had done moments ago.

"I've been trying to figure out what I want to say to you since Darren showed up on our doorstep this morning," he started quietly. "These past few months have sucked, JJ, there's no doubt about that. Our house has just been breeding misery. And then when I realised just how badly hurt you were, I wished it was me in the bed and not you. At first, it felt wrong to care so much since we've been anything but a loving couple recently...but then I realised that I care so much because I _love _ you so goddamn much"

Taking a deep breath, he never even wiped away his tears, simply allowing them to land where they fell. "I still love you just as much as I've always done, it's just been so _hard_ lately. It's too easy to find a reason to be mad at you. We have problems, I won't deny that, but..."

His voice cracked, his body shaking with the sobs he was trying to keep steady. "I want you to stay, JJ, goddamn it, I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I want you to fight like hell to stay with us, and we can fix this, we can mend what we broke, and we can move forward"

He was all out crying by now, and JJ was now sobbing in her own chair as she watched the emotional battle her husband was fighting with himself.

"But I understand JJ...you've been through so much...your sister, your dad...Askari and the baby...and now Abigail. I might want you to stay, but I understand if that's not what you want...and so," he stammered, his voice thick with tears, "if you want to go...if you want to let go...I want you to know that's ok"

Lifting her hand up and resting it across her chest, he closed his over the top of hers. "I-I'll understand, beautiful. I love you"

Reaching out, JJ placed her hand on top of Will's, tears streaming down her face. She knew that had to be the hardest thing Will had ever done, besides seeing Abigail earlier that evening.

"Thank you"

Will looked up, straight at where JJ was sitting, his eyes red and watery. His eyes never left JJ's, and this time, JJ was sure he knew she was there.

"I love you too"


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: This is a huge chapter, I hope you enjoy it!**

**Sunday is the last day to vote in the PCA's! Please consider casting a vote for my story, Stars Can't Shine Without Darkness, if you haven't already! It would mean the absolute world to me!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Her choice was clear.

As much as she wanted to stay and work things out, JJ knew life was going to be incredibly difficult if that was the choice she made. Not only had she now said goodbye to three people she loved dearly, as well as the one she had never met, but she would have to face physical and mental challenges upon waking.

She was never one to back down from a challenge, but she was emotionally exhausted.

She just didn't want to carry on anymore. And hearing Will say that he would understand if she wanted to let go had made her decision much easier.

She had sat in her room all day, watching the stream of visitors coming in and out. Will had been in and out at various times during the day, as well as members of the team, her brother, their neighbours, Kate and Brad, and the kind anaesthesiologist, Grace.

She had been drifting off as she sat against the wall, until she heard her mother's voice. She hadn't yet stayed around to hear her mom talk, fearing that she was going to hear more about Rosaline than she could handle.

"How's my baby girl doing?"

Sitting up a little straighter, JJ rubbed her eyes, watching as her mom reached for her hand.

"You've been through the ringer, my girl. Seeing what's happened to you...it's shown me that life can be one thing one day and the next can be totally different," Sandy said softly. She was relatively calm, her eyes dry but still red rimmed. JJ could tell she'd spent most of her time in DC crying.

"After Roz, I never imagined I would be faced with outliving another one of my children. Yet here I am. It's scary, Jen, to see you like this with these machines keeping you alive. And I hope that you can pull through, that you can fight harder than ever to stay with us, because I don't know how I would live without both of my girls"

Taking a deep breath, she swallowed thickly. "But I get it, I do. I know Will told you about Abigail...and that's awful. No-one deserves what happened to her, and no-one deserves to lose their child like that"

Sandy fell silent for a moment, lowering herself into the chair beside the top of JJ's bed, reaching out and gently brushing JJ's hair away from her face. "After Roz died, I wanted to give up. Nothing hurts more than losing a child, a child you're supposed to protect and nurture. I know that feeling of failure when you outlive your child. I lived it"

Pulling herself to her feet, JJ couldn't listen anymore. Her mother knew her so damn well; she was hitting every nerve with a fucking wrecking ball, and she couldn't take it anymore.

She _did _feel like she had failed. She had put her unborn child in danger. She had stormed out and gotten in that car. She had failed to protect and nurture Abigail. She had put them all in this mess.

Leaving the ICU, she started walking. Down corridors, which in the dead of the night, were almost silent.

She had made up her mind. She was going to carry her decision through.

That was final.

* * *

"_MOMMY!"_

_At the terrified shriek of her youngest child, Sandy dropped the dishes she was holding so suddenly that one of them cracked clean down the middle as they landed in the sink._

_Sprinting up the stairs two at a time, she ran for JJ's bedroom, half expecting to find her four year old with a deep gash adorning some part of her a body, or a sharp object impaling her hand._

_Instead, she found her standing in the middle of her room, tears running down her face as she stared at the tiny white square in her hand._

"_It falled out, Mommy, I need it, I need it, put it back!" JJ shrieked, crying hysterically as she held her hand out to her mom. "Fix it, Mommy, p'ease!"_

_Sandy had to laugh at the spectacle before her._

"_It's ok, sweet girl, it's meant to fall out," she said softly, kneeling down in front of her very distressed child and pulling her into a hug._

"_NOO, MOMMY, IT HAS TO GO BACK!" JJ wailed, burying her messy face in her mom's shoulder. "It's not 'llowed to falled out!"_

_Sandy laughed, rubbing JJ's back and kissing her temple. "Jen, sweetie, listen to me. It's ok. These are only your little teeth. They have to fall out so that your big teeth can grow"_

"_Is all my teeths gonna fall out now?" JJ cried, her voice rising several octaves._

_Sandy grinned. "No, baby girl, they'll fall out at different times. Don't you worry, little one, it's all ok. And you know what? If you put your little tooth under your pillow, you might get a visit from the tooth fairy"_

_JJ perked up at the mention of a fairy. "The tooths fairy?"_

_Sandy nodded, scooping JJ into her arms and hugging her tightly. "The tooth fairy. She might leave you a little surprise"_

"_Like a choc'ate?" JJ asked softly, her cries settling to sniffs._

_Sandy laughed. "Maybe a chocolate"_

_JJ looked down at the tooth in her hand, and then up to her mom. "I putting this under my piy'ow"_

_Sandy nodded, giving JJ a little nudge as she slid off her lap and walked over to her bed. She watched with a smile as JJ hesitantly slid the tooth under her pillow and then walked back over to her mom, snuggling back into her embrace._

"_Wanna help me make some cupcakes?" she asked softly, standing up with JJ on her hip. Feeling JJ nod beneath her chin, she kissed the top of her daughter's head before carrying her back down the stairs._

* * *

She was walking slowly back to her room in the ICU. Over the past day, she had felt a strong pull towards her lifeless body, and no matter how many times she had to leave the room, she always came back.

Upon reaching the electric doors that separated the ICU from the rest of the hospital, JJ realised that the man keeping the bedside vigil in her room was not Will.

It was Hotch.

As she entered the room, he was sitting in the chair beside her bed, as had many others over the last 48 hours. His head was bowed and he was leaning on his knees.

"We miss you, JJ. It's only been two days since the accident, but it feels like a lifetime since we last heard your voice, since we last saw your eyes"

Taking a deep breath, Hotch lifted his face, forcing himself to look at his agent, to take in how vulnerable she'd become. JJ swore she heard a sob escape his lips.

"Remember the day I asked you if you'd ever considered becoming a profiler?" he asked softly.

"Yes," JJ whispered, remaining rooted to her spot in the corner near the door.

"You've come so far since then...you've grown and matured and become such an integral part of this team. I don't know what we'd do without you"

"Don't," JJ whispered, her voice pleading with Hotch, begging him not to change her mind. "This is hard enough already"

"I don't know what choice you want to make...but whatever way you go, there's people there to love you and guide you," Hotch said quietly. JJ bit her lip to try and fight back the tears, moving forward and placing one of her hands over Hotch's.

"I know there is," she whispered. "But I can't stay"

"You have the ability to light up an entire room when you walk in, JJ. And I know that that light comes from within you, and I know that without Abigail, it's going to be hard, but it won't be impossible. You have Will, Henry, your mom...you have us. We won't let the darkness pull you under. We need you to fight...we need you. We'll all be on a sinking ship without you. You're going to be ok, JJ. You have to be"

"No, no, NO, I'M NOT GOING TO BE OK!" JJ yelled, pulling at her hair as she backed out of the room. "I AM FALLING APART, I CAN'T DO THIS, I DON'T _WANT_ TO DO THIS!"

Backing through the electric doors, she collapsed to the ground in the small foyer area, taking deep breaths as she tried to calm herself down.

They were all messing with her head. She had made her decision after hearing Will's feelings the previous night, and now it was like they knew she had made that decision and were trying to talk her out of it. She had so many people who loved her, but at the same time, so many people who she loved who had moved on. No matter what way she went, she would be giving a large part of her life up.

It was too much, to go back to a life that had endured so much pain. She could move on, go with her baby girl, look over her boys without suffering any further, and that was what she intended to do.

"Mommy"

Looking up from the floor, JJ felt her heart skip a beat when she found herself looking at the image of her beautiful girl. She was pale, but her skin was perfect, free of all the bruises and scrapes she had sustained in the accident. Her hospital gown had been replaced with a white long sleeved frock which appeared to be made of material that JJ could only liken to clouds; light and delicate.

"If you want to stay," Abigail started softly, "here, with Daddy and Henry...that's ok, Momma. I'll be ok"

JJ choked out a sob, moving towards her sweet girl and falling to her knees in front of her. "But what about you? Who's going to look after you?"

Abigail smiled, her blue eyes twinkling as she took her mom's hands. "Grandad will take care of me"

Inhaling sharply, JJ looked up over Abigail's shoulder. Her heart gave a painful tug when she saw her father standing in the hallway, his ever familiar twinkling smile adorning his face. Abigail had never met her grandfather, but JJ knew she was in good hands.

Looking back to her daughter, JJ felt the tears burning her eyes. Reaching out, she placed her hand against Abigail's snow white cheek, caressing it softly with her thumb.

"This wasn't supposed to happen to you," she whispered, the tears spilling down over her own cheeks as her little girl smiled back at her. "You were supposed to grow up and experience everything the world had to offer you. Have your first kiss, your first love, graduate high school, learn to drive...and I took that all away from you"

"No Momma. It wasn't you," Abigail whispered.

JJ nodded, her eyes wide and bright with the tears leaving tracks down her skin. "It was. If I hadn't had that fight with your daddy, if I hadn't gotten in that car...you'd still be alive, and we'd still be together as a family"

"Some things just happen, Mommy. It's our path," Abigail replied. "You need to stay with Daddy and Henry. They won't be any good without you"

Letting her guard down, JJ allowed the tears to flow thick and fast, a strangled sob escaping her lips as she pulled Abigail into her arms and held her close for what she hoped wouldn't be the last time.

"I'm so sorry, Abigail. I'm so sorry," she sobbed, clutching her child like a lifeline.

"It's ok," Abigail whispered, her little hand stroking the back of her mom's head in a comforting manner.

"I love you," JJ whispered through her tears. "I need to stay with you"

"I love you to the moon and the stars and back again, Momma," Abigail replied, pulling away. "I have to go now. I'll see you either way"

JJ watched on as Abigail walked over to her grandfather, slipping her tiny hand into his much larger one.

With a smile and a nod to his daughter, Michael turned, leading Abigail away through the corridor. JJ kept her eyes on them up until they had turned the corner at the end of the hall.

And just like that, they were gone.

* * *

"_What would you do if something happened to me? Like...I got shot in the field and died"_

"_Jesus Christ, JJ!" Will admonished, staring at his wife in shock. "What the hell kind of question is that?"_

"_One that needs to be discussed since one of us losing our lives in the field is a very real possibility," JJ replied, her face never changing._

"_JJ, I-"_

"_Will. If something happened to me...what would you do? Would you continue working with the MPD? Stay single?"_

_Will stared at JJ incredulously, shaking his head at her in disbelief. "Part of me wants to laugh at how morbid you're being, and part of me wants to throttle you for bringing it up"_

_JJ raised an eyebrow, giving him a stony look that clearly said '_Answer the freaking question_'. _

_Will sighed heavily. "Well, would you keep working with the BAU if something happened to me?"_

"_God no. Henry and Abigail come first," JJ replied. "Continuing to put myself in the line of fire if I was all they had would be a ridiculous move"_

"_So putting yourself in the line of fire while I'm here is still ok?" Will snapped, surprising himself. He didn't know why he was suddenly so mad._

"_Will...we've talked about this," JJ said softly. _

"_I know we have. I'm just saying. Leaving your kids without a mother is ok, but leaving them without a mother when they've already lost their father is not?"_

_JJ sighed in frustration, getting to her feet. "Forget I even asked, Will. I just wanted to discuss it with you like a mature adult because we don't have proper plans in place should it ever happen. But forget it. If something ever happens to me, just wing it"_

_Will watched as she left the room, clearly pissed off with him. He winced when a door slammed somewhere in the back of the house._

_Since when had they been unable to talk?_

* * *

The sun was peeking over the horizon as JJ stood at the edge of her bed, watching her chest rise and fall with each click of the ventilator. She had spent the rest of the night sitting in the corner of the room, contemplating her decisions.

In the end, she had decided to go with her original decision; to let go and move on to whatever was waiting for her on the other side. It was what she wanted. She knew she would miss everyone she was leaving behind...but she wouldn't miss the heartache, the loss, the pain, and the suffering.

She could be reunited with her father, her sister, her baby girl...and maybe even her unborn child. Who were they up there?

The thought brought a pang of sadness to her heart, but also a quiet thrill of excitement. After years of trying to properly deal with that devastating loss, she could move on.

Turning away from herself for the last time, she walked slowly out of the ICU, her bare feet making no noise on the linoleum floor. She had no idea where she was going, but she knew she was headed in the right direction.

Will was asleep on a bank of chairs in the hallway ahead of her. He looked troubled, and tired.

"It'll be over soon," she whispered as she approached him. "I promise"

Kneeling down in front of him, she placed one hand over his heart, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"I love you. Forever and always," she told him quietly, tears cresting her eyes as she pulled away, forcing herself to keep moving.

Passing the waiting room, she stopped for a moment, watching all the members of her team as they sat, waiting for news, improvement, anything good. Penelope was resting on Morgan's shoulder, talking softly with her 'chocolate god' as he rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. Kate had taken up a similar position on Rossi's shoulder, having fallen asleep on him out of sheer exhaustion. Hotch was sitting beside JJ's brother, Daniel, both of them clutching coffee cups in their hands.

She didn't need to say any words. Just them sitting there, giving up their time to wait on her was enough.

The last person she encountered was her mom, sitting solitary on a bank of chairs a little further down from the waiting room. Her handbag was clutched in her lap like a lifeline as she picked at the strap nervously.

"I'm sorry, Mom. One day you'll understand," she breathed, closing her hand around her mom's thin wrist for just a moment. Her mom never registered her presence, her attention remaining on the wall ahead of her.

Continuing on past her, JJ held her head high as she followed her instinct through a maze of corridors and stairwells.

After some time, she reached a deserted part of the hospital about three floors up from the ICU. It was clean, white, and one side was made up entirely of floor to ceiling windows. It opened out onto a small balcony, where the sun was shining down brilliantly for such an early hour in the morning.

The sun streaming through the window was beautiful, but almost blinding. Giving off a white glow, it was how JJ knew she'd come to the right place.

Smiling, she let out a breath she felt like she'd been holding since waking up in the snow two days earlier.

She felt free.

Closing the distance between herself and the doors, she pushed gently on the glass, finding the door unlocked.

As she opened it, she stepped slowly onto the balcony, her hand still resting on the other door as she took in the fresh breeze and the sounds of birds chirping in the nearby trees. Her smile widened as the sun shone down on her, eliciting a sense of warmth she thought she would never feel again.

And then, just as she was about to let go of the door, allow it to close on that chapter of her life, she heard it.

"Mom?"


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Continuing on! Don't worry, the next chapter will be up shortly!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

Henry.

Turning back, JJ looked back in the direction she'd come, half expecting to see her son standing behind her. His voice sounded so close.

But he wasn't there. Why had she heard his voice when he was nowhere to be seen?

Stepping back inside, she took a deep breath as the door clicked closed behind her.

"After I see Henry," she promised herself, beginning to retrace her steps back through the hospital to the ICU, guessing that was there she would find her son since her entire family was camped out there.

It didn't take her long to get back, passing by everyone who had not moved since she passed them before. The further she got from the balcony, the darker the halls became. It was overwhelming to see everyone in such a state. All for her.

Finally reaching her room in the ICU, she found Henry sitting beside the head of her bed. His left hand was closed gently around hers, and his other hand was gently stroking the top of her head.

Her son was normally such a tough kid. To see him caring so openly for his mom was enough to bring yet more tears to JJ's eyes.

"I don't know if you know what day it is, but it's Monday. It's been two days since the accident, but it feels like it's been months. We don't...we don't cope very well without you. I don't think Dad's eaten a thing since Darren came to get us on Saturday. I had a ton of homework to do, but it's hard to focus on chemistry when my mom is in the ICU. It's hard to focus on school when you're away on a case too...I just...I always feel better knowing that you're safe," Henry admitted softly.

Tears dripped down onto JJ's sweater as she moved to the opposite side of the bed, watching her boy with love and admiration.

"I need you to be ok, Mom. I know I don't show it very often, if I show it at all, but you, Dad, and Abigail are the most important people in my life. We've lost Abigail, and if we lose you too, it's just...it's gonna be awful. I don't think Dad will cope at all. I mean, I know you guys have had problems. Abby and I had both noticed that. But Dad still loves you like you wouldn't believe"

Smiling, Henry let out a soft chuckle. "One day I want to love someone as much as Dad loves you"

JJ's hand automatically went to her heart. "Oh, Henry..."

"I know I try to act like I don't, but I really need you, Mom. I need you to help me become the best person I can be. And," Henry faltered, his strong demeanour cracking and his tears starting to fall, "I love you so much and I know I don't show it nearly enough...but if you fight through this and you stay, I promise I'll be the best son you could ever ask for, and I'll always show you how much I love and appreciate you"

"Henry, you're already the best son I could ask for," JJ whispered through her tears.

_As she held her little blue bundle in her arms, JJ couldn't believe how happy she felt. She and Will had created this life, this beautiful little life._

_She was a mom. A role she'd never imagined herself in, but one she knew she would cherish._

_Henry's mom._

"I don't want to be graduating high school and hoping that wherever you are, you're proud of me. I want you to be right there next to Dad, and Uncle Hotch and Uncle Spence and everyone else. I want you to hug me after I get my high school diploma and I want you to _tell _me you're proud of me"

"_Go Henry! Come on!" JJ yelled as her son ran in for the kick._

_With one fell swoop, he hit the ball hard and sent it straight into the net._

"_YEAH!" she cheered, throwing her arms around Will, who was cheering beside her._

"_That's my boy!" _

"I want you to teach me to drive, and tell me that I drive too slowly, or maybe I drive too fast. Maybe you'll never want to drive with me because I'm so slow it's almost painful or maybe because I'm so fast that you fear for your life"

"_Happy birthday Momma!" came the excited shrieks of her children as they landed on top of her._

"_Ow!" JJ exclaimed, laughing as she pushed the covers back, sitting up and facing her kids. "Does Momma not get to sleep in on her birthday?"_

"_No, Mommy, because we only have until we go to sleep to give you lots of hugs so we gotta start right away!" Abigail explained, throwing her arms around JJ's neck. Henry giggled, following his little sister's lead by swamping his mom with a hug._

"_Oh!" JJ groaned, collapsing back onto her pillow. "I love you guys"_

"_We love you too Momma"_

"I want you to be there when I marry the love of my life, because it just wouldn't be as special if you weren't sitting in the front row bawling your eyes out. I want you to see me grow up and be the person you've always dreamed of me being"

_Seeing Abigail dance was up there with watching Henry play soccer. Seeing her kids do the things that made them happy in turn filled JJ with such happiness and joy herself._

_She watched on, transfixed as Abigail moved effortlessly across the room, turning and leaping with such grace and elegance that JJ couldn't believe it was her child._

_And then, the music had ended and Abigail was turning off her iPod._

"_Done, Mommy," she said happily, bouncing across the living room, her impromptu practice studio, to give her mom a hug._

"_It was great, princess," JJ said happily, wrapping Abigail up tightly and kissing her nose. "You looked beautiful"_

Henry was still speaking, but JJ couldn't hear him.

It was like someone had hit her in the chest hard enough to knock her off balance. Her ears were ringing, she was taking a step back, she was trying to keep her eyes focused on her son.

Clutching one hand over her heart, she felt her legs give out. Collapsing to the floor, she squeezed her eyes shut.

Everything was playing back like someone was rewinding a tape.

Abigail's recitals, Henry's games, the day Abigail was born, finding out she was pregnant again, marrying Will, Will proposing, Henry's birth, and everything else in between. Her return to the BAU, all the barbecues, the day she brought Henry to the BAU...

And then with what felt like a deafening bang, everything went white, and the silence was ringing in her ears.

'_Please don't tell me this is what dying feels like'_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: This took ages to prepare. It was easier to write when JJ was in a coma, now I have to research to make sure everything is medically correct.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

It was so dark. Darker than anything she thought she'd ever experienced in her life.

The deafening silence she'd been immersed in had now been broken by a multitude of soft noises.

She could hear the ventilator, working hard to pump air into her lungs. The steady beep of the heart monitor, indicating that for now, her heart was beating strong.

'I'm still alive,' she thought. 'Then what the hell was that?'

She felt odd. Something was different. Something wasn't...as it had been. Her body felt like it was made of lead. Something was sitting on her chest. She tried to lift her hand to swat at the air above her, but she was too weak.

'Come on JJ, open your eyes,' she told herself. 'Just open them'

But it was hard. Her eyelids felt like they were weighted down with rocks. She was so tired; she almost didn't have the energy to open them.

Henry wasn't talking anymore. But she could hear his breathing, the rustle of his clothes as he settled in the chair next to her bed.

'Open your eyes and get up off the floor, Jareau,' she tried to command herself. But again, she couldn't open her eyes, no matter how hard she tried.

She knew she had to get her eyes open. She to gauge her surroundings, figure out why she seemed unable to move.

Mustering all the strength and fight she had left, she concentrated all her efforts on lifting her eyelids. They were so heavy, so unwilling to move, but by some miracle, she managed to part them enough to let the light in.

It was blinding at first, painful even. But as she forcefully blinked away the sluggishness, she was able to make out shapes. It was blurry, but she could tell she was still in the hospital.

Above her, she was starting to see the panels in the ceiling. She could also see the top of the ventilation tube that she knew was down her throat to help her breathe. That was enough to tell her that she was no longer watching from an outsider's perspective.

She'd made her choice.

To her left, a head of blonde hair told her that Henry was still keeping his bedside vigil. He was resting on the edge of her mattress, his head lying on his folded arms. His hand was still closed around her own, which gave her the perfect opportunity to get his attention.

Concentrating as hard as she could on her hand, she was already struggling to keep her eyes open.

'Keep it up, JJ, come on. Your boys need to see you'

With great effort, she managed to close her fingers slightly, making just enough to movement to startle Henry and make him lift his head.

"Mom?" he said, clearly confused. JJ could tell that he was wondering if he had imagined it.

Looking down at his mom's hand, Henry stared in total confusion. He was sure he'd felt her move just now. But that wasn't possible. His mom was in a coma. She hadn't so much as twitched in two days.

Lifting his face, Henry nearly jumped out of his chair when he found his mother's blue eyes looking back at him.

"Mom!" he said in disbelief, rising up from his chair as tears welled in his eyes. JJ could see that he wanted to hug her but was scared that he would hurt her. "You're awake! Oh my god, you're awake!"

Stepping back, he held up a hand to his mom. "I'll be right back, ok? Right back," he promised, almost falling over the chair in his haste to exit the room. Regaining his balance, he turned on his heel and took off as fast as he dared.

Running out of the ICU and down the hallway, Henry passed the bank of chairs his father had been sleeping on. Realising he must have moved, he skidded to a stop outside the waiting room just a little further down the hall.

"Where's my dad?" he asked a bewildered Aaron Hotchner. The place had been so still, so quiet and now Henry was tearing around like a madman.

"Back there," Hotch replied, pointing over his shoulder, watching the boy curiously.

Walking quickly around the seats, Henry found him asleep on the row of chairs behind Hotch. His heart pounding, he reached down and shook his father's shoulder.

"Dad!" he said excitedly. "Dad, wake up!"

"Wha?" Will said groggily, rubbing his eyes as he was pulled from his slumber. Blinking in the sudden light, he looked up at his son. "What is it, Henry?"

"Mom! She's awake!"

At those words, Will jumped up from the seats like he'd been burned.

"You're joking!" Morgan exclaimed as the team, Sandy, and Daniel all rose to their feet within seconds. Without another word, they followed the teenager out of the waiting room and back towards the ICU.

JJ was still fighting to keep her eyes open by the time Henry returned with Will in tow. Looking just beyond the window opposite her bed, she could see the team, her mom, and her brother waiting outside, craning their necks to see if she was truly awake.

As Will approached her, she saw the tears pooling in his tired eyes.

"Hey beautiful," he said thickly, reaching out and gently running the tips of his fingers down the side of her face, tucking her hair back behind her ear. "I was startin' to worry I'd never see your gorgeous blue eyes again"

At that moment, two nurses and a doctor entered the room, having been alerted of JJ's changed state by an alarm in the nurses' station.

As they spoke with Will, JJ found herself unable to fight the drowsiness anymore. Allowing her eyes to drift closed, she fell back into a deep sleep.

The last thing she registered before succumbing to sleep was someone taking hold of her hand and kissing it gently.

Wait.

Not someone.

Will.

* * *

"_I just want to feel you touch me," JJ whispered in the darkness of the room as Will hovered just inches above her._

_As his lips met hers, his tongue grazing her teeth, his hands slid down her sides. His fingers roamed her soft skin, making her tingle beneath his touch._

"_You have the most beautiful body of anyone I've ever met," Will breathed in her ear as his fingers dipped beneath the elastic of her underwear._

_As he touched her, JJ drew in a sharp breath, her eyes falling closed as she threw her head back on the pillow._

"_God...keep doing that," she gasped, pushing her hips into his hand._

"_As you wish"_

* * *

"It will take time for Jennifer to recover from being in a coma," Dr Kate Marshall explained gently.

"But she is awake, right?" Will asked.

Kate nodded. "She is awake. She is no longer what we would consider comatose, but she will take some time to recover. What happened today is known as spontaneous eye opening. She may or may not have registered our presence in the room. She will continue to have periods of wakefulness like this for the next day or so, and she may start moving around. At first the movements may seem unnecessary, but they will be good signs that she is regaining function of her body"

"When can she come off the ventilator?" Sandy questioned softly, her hand holding her grandson's tightly.

"That may take some time. We need Jennifer to be able to communicate with us through hand signals and eye movements before we begin the process of getting her off the ventilator. It may take a few days, it may take two weeks. Everything needs to go at her pace"

Glancing down at her notes, Kate looked up once more at the concerned faces before her. "Keep talking to her. Encourage her to try and use her hands. She may seem confused or agitated at times. Reassure her and comfort her. When she starts tracking, which is when her eyes follow you around the room and respond to your voice, that's a good sign that her brain is healing and she is able to respond to stimuli once more"

Closing her clipboard, she smiled. "Jennifer is in good hands. And she's making good progress. We will be keeping a close eye on her and monitoring her as she improves. Once she's off the ventilator and has returned to a normal state of consciousness, she will need to have more surgery on her leg, but we will discuss that when we get there"

Will nodded, reaching out and shaking the doctor's hand. "Thank you"

Kate smiled.

"Support her as you have been these past couple of days, and she is going to be just fine"


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates! I'm working on new chapters for as many things as I can manage! And for those who hate me because I technically abandoned it, Safe and Sound is on that list!**

**This chapter is...confusing at first. Which is the intention. I basically wild wrote the first present day section as it came to me, to try and give the impression that JJ doesn't know what's happening. Please tell me if I managed to give off that impression!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

"_Momma, can I hold my sister?" Henry asked sweetly as he climbed up beside his mom._

_JJ grinned; since they had brought Abigail home a week earlier, Henry had constantly referred to her as his sister. She could tell her little boy was proud and excited to be a big brother._

_Leaning over, JJ carefully placed Abigail in Henry's arms. "Be careful with her bud. Watch her head"_

"_I will," Henry replied, his eyes never leaving his little sister._

_JJ watched on, pride and love stirring inside her as Henry talked softly to Abigail, telling her about his school and the present he was making for their father's birthday._

_He was going to be such a good big brother, of that, JJ was sure._

* * *

Nothing in front of her made much sense.

Was she awake? Maybe. She could see those ceiling panels again.

But Abigail was standing in the corner. That wasn't possible. Unless she had dreamt it all.

That thing was back, sitting on her chest. She could feel it pressing against her ribs. Why wouldn't it go away?

'Get lost,' she tried to say, but the words never formed in her mouth.

'Get off me,' she tried again, to no avail.

With great effort, she lifted her left hand, attempting to swat at the space above her chest. All she managed was a half hearted flop.

Looking back over towards where she had seen Abigail, JJ was startled to find her standing at the very edge of the bed. How had she not noticed her before?

"It's your fault," Abigail hissed, her eyes flashing eerily dark. There were no whites. Just black orbs. "You're supposed to protect me. You put me in danger"

'No, Abby,' JJ attempted to say, trying to reach out for Abigail's tiny form.

"It's your fault," Abigail hissed once more. "You killed me"

And then she was gone.

If it weren't for the ventilator, JJ would have started sobbing there and then. Her daughter hated her, believed...no, knew it was her fault. She knew that JJ wished more than anything that she had just stayed home.

'I want out,' JJ thought. 'I want out, I want out, I want out'

Squeezing her eyes shut, she prayed, prayed that whatever was going on would end soon.

'Please get me out'

"Hey you"

She knew that voice. That was Will. Where had he been? Or had before not been real?

"You've been moving around pretty good here," he said softly.

JJ opened her eyes as he closed his hand around hers. The room looked as it had before. Why couldn't she see Will? He was there. She could feel his touch. But she couldn't see him.

'This is weird, I want it to end. Wake up, please wake up,' she begged herself. She felt like she was trapped in limbo again, only this time, instead of being invisible to everyone, everyone was invisible to her.

Except Abigail. Only that wasn't Abigail. That was what JJ would call a demon. A demonic remain of her beautiful sweet Abigail.

'Leave me alone,' she thought, for no apparent reason, before unconsciousness pulled her back under.

* * *

"_Mommy, we makes you waffles!" Abigail said excitedly as JJ entered the kitchen. "Daddy cooked and I helped"_

_Smiling, JJ picked Abigail up, swinging her up to her hip. "I bet you were a good helper"_

"_I drops a egg," Abigail said softly, as though she was very ashamed._

"_That's ok baby, mistakes happen," JJ said warmly, kissing Abigail's nose. "Did you make waffles for your brother?"_

"_Yes!" Abigail said excitedly, throwing her arms around JJ's neck. "We makes waffles for you and Hen-ery 'coz we love you!"_

_Laughing, JJ hugged her daughter tightly as Will grinned from the other side of the kitchen._

"_Well thank you munchkin. I love you too"_

* * *

"Jennifer is progressing well. Her movement today was in line with what we would expect from a recently awakened coma patient. She may or may not be aware that you're in the room with her, so as I said before, keep talking to her and encouraging her. She's doing well considering it's only been three days. I'm confident she is capable of making a full recovery," Dr Marshall explained gently to Will and Sandy as JJ rested between them.

"She seemed...scared. I don't know, it was like she was trying to hit something and make it go away," Will explained quietly.

"She may be hallucinating. When she's awake, she may not see you, but that doesn't mean she isn't seeing anything," Marshall explained. "It's quite common, especially in those who've suffered brain injuries, and it may be the source of her agitation. Just keep reassuring her"

Checking the dressings on JJ's leg, Kate excused herself from the room as Sandy took the seat beside JJ's bed.

"I'm going to take Henry home, have a shower and grab a change of clothes," Will said. He had become aware that morning that he and Henry had not changed since arriving at the hospital on the day of the accident. "Are you ok to sit with her for a while?"

Sandy nodded. "Of course"

Leaning down, Will pressed a kiss to JJ's forehead. "I'll be back soon sweetheart"

He wished he didn't have to leave, but he knew it was needed. Otherwise he and Henry were going to stink out the ward. He also needed to have a chat with Henry, but a hospital waiting room was not the ideal setting.

As he exited the ICU, he knew their arrival home was going to be difficult.

The last time they had been in their house, Abigail had been alive.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Sent off a package today for AJ! Can't wait for it to arrive!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

It had been so difficult to make himself cross the threshold.

Every step brought new reminders and fresh pain. Reminders that just three days earlier, a little girl had been dancing around the lounge room, singing at the top of her lungs as her brother and father danced and sang with her. Reminders of the little girl who had woken up every morning and excitedly bounded down the stairs in the hopes that that day would be the day her mother came home. Reminders of a little girl who had smiled all the time, whether it was a good day or a bad one.

"I can't do this," Henry whispered from the open door.

Turning around, Will blinked away his tears to see his son standing on the other side of the threshold, tears leaking down his face as he looked into the house that had once been so happy.

Walking back over to his son, Will stopped just short of the door, holding out a hand to his boy. They would do it together. They had to come home.

Before he had a chance to speak, Henry had burst into tears, falling into his father's arms as his emotions finally took hold.

"She's gone, Dad," he sobbed. "Abby's gone"

"I know," Will whispered, clutching his son to his chest as he let his own tears fall. "I know"

Somehow, they both wound up on the floor just inside the door, Henry sobbing into Will's shoulder as Will tried to be strong for his son.

But before too long, Will cracked.

* * *

"_Mom?"_

_At the sound of her preteen son's voice, JJ turned in surprise. It was nearly one in the morning and she'd thought that her kids were asleep._

_Closing the case file she'd been going over, JJ sat forward, looking up at her son._

"_What's the matter, Henry?"_

"_I don't feel well," Henry replied lamely._

_JJ held out a hand to him, smiling as he obliged and sat beside her on the couch. Putting her arm around him, she sighed softly._

"_This wouldn't have anything to do with tomorrow being your first day of middle school, would it?" _

_Henry looked up at her with wide eyes. "No! I-no!"_

_Brushing his hair out of his eyes, JJ quieted him._

"_It's ok, Henry. It's scary starting something new. But you'll be ok," she said warmly._

"_I'm not gonna know anyone," Henry said quietly, proving JJ right._

"_You'll know Sam, and Dennis...besides, it's a good chance to make new friends," JJ offered. "The first few days will be daunting, but you'll be just fine"_

_Henry said nothing, simply curling further into his mother's side._

"_Love you, Mom," he said quietly, making JJ smile._

"_Love you too, Henry"_

* * *

She was suffocating. That _thing_ was back on her chest. She couldn't expand her lungs enough. The ventilator was only doing so much.

Managing to open her eyes, JJ saw the tired face of her mother sat by her bed. Immediately, she felt a thrill run through her. She could see the real world again. Not like earlier, when she couldn't see Will. That had frightened her.

Sandy smiled, leaning forward and reaching to place a gentle hand at the top of JJ's head.

"There you are," she said softly, lightly stroking JJ's hairline with her thumb.

Lifting her hand with more ease than last time, JJ actually managed a light swat at her chest, her eyes drifting closed again as she did so.

'No, come on Jareau...stay awake,' she thought, forcing her eyes open once more.

"What's the matter, my girl?" Sandy asked quietly, sensing JJ's anxiety as she took her daughter's hand in her free one.

'I feel like I can't breathe,' JJ thought, wishing she could just say it. 'Oh please let an alarm go off, something...something isn't right'

Her chest was _hurting_. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to take a deep breath in unison with the ventilator, but it was too hard. She felt like she was suffocating. The pain was radiating down into her abdomen. Like the time she got held down by a dumper wave at the beach.

If only she could communicate that.

'Relax JJ...everything will be ok,' she tried to tell herself.

But her thoughts only brought more tears. How could everything be ok when she'd lost her sweet little Abigail? Nothing would ever be ok without her precious baby girl.

And then she was being pulled back into a slumber, drowsiness begging her attention as she let her eyes fall closed once more.

'Mom...please help me,' she silently begged, tears leaking from beneath her lashes. 'Please'

"Hey...," her mom said softly, continuing the comforting circles with her thumb. "It's ok, Jen...you're ok"

'I just want to feel normal again'


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So sorry I haven't updated in ages, but I'm currently participating in Camp NaNoWriMo, which has the goal of writing 50,000 words for the month of November. So you shall hopefully be getting an update a day, of different stories!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Her entire body ached from head to toe as she slowly opened her heavy eyes to a darkened room. The ventilator hissed beside her, pumping the precious oxygen into her lungs, keeping her alive and well.

As she slowly adjusted to the darkness of the room, it became apparent to her that Henry was curled up beside her, his head tucked just beneath her chin. She knew from previous hospital experiences that visitors generally weren't allowed to lay with their loved ones, but she figured the kind nurse had allowed it.

"Hey," came Will's soft voice as he pulled his chair closer to the side of the bed. "We're still here, cher"

JJ wished more than anything that the ventilator tube wasn't in her mouth so she could smile, tell Will that she loved him, and that she was sorry for arguing, sorry for landing them in the situation they were in.

Weakly, she lifted her hand up to Henry's back, noticing how much energy it took to simply keep it there.

"We've been...talking about...a funeral...for Abigail," Will said softly, working hard to keep his voice level.

A lump grew in JJ's throat that the tube could not suppress. Tears burned her eyes as she squeezed them shut. She knew they needed to plan Abigail's funeral and lay her to rest as soon as possible, but she had wanted to avoid it for as long as possible.

No parent should ever outlive their child.

* * *

"_Mommy?"_

"_Yeah sweetie?" JJ replied, looking up from her laundry as Abigail walked slowly into the room._

_Without any warning, Abigail started to cry. JJ was quick to respond, dropping the shirt she was folding and falling to her knees in front of her sobbing child._

"_What's the matter peanut?" she asked gently, reaching up to brush Abigail's hair away from her eyes._

"_Sammy died today," Abigail sobbed. "He's with the angels"_

_JJ's heart sank. Sammy was a little boy in Abigail's class who had been battling leukaemia for as long as he and Abigail had been friends. She'd learned from his mother just a few weeks earlier that his treatment was failing and there was nothing the doctors could do. It seemed his little body had finally become too worn out to continue fighting._

"_I'm sorry sweetie...Sammy was a very sick little boy. Up in heaven, he's not sick anymore," JJ said softly, pulling Abigail into her arms and cradling her against her chest._

"_I wanted Sammy to stay," Abigail cried into her mother's shoulder. "I miss him. I cried at school when Miss Taylor told us"_

_Kissing the top of Abigail's head, JJ rubbed her daughter's back in gentle circles. "It's ok. You're allowed to be sad and miss Sammy. It's ok to cry. He was a very good friend, wasn't he?"_

"_Yeah," Abigail said tearfully._

"_You stay here with Mommy, ok? You can have a cry, and a cuddle, and then maybe you can make something nice to take to Sammy's funeral," JJ said soothingly. "A picture of you two and a nice message for Sammy to take to heaven"_

"_Ok," Abigail sobbed, clutching at JJ's shirt. _

"_Ok," JJ breathed, kissing Abigail's forehead and finally allowing tears of her own to fall._

_She couldn't imagine what Rick and Anita were going through. Having to bury their six year old. She couldn't imagine putting Abigail or Henry into the cold, hard ground, never able to cuddle them or see their smiles again._

_Grief was hard enough for adults to comprehend. Let alone six year olds._

* * *

"Jennifer's lungs and abdomen are slowly filling with fluid again. This could be the root of her distress, as it is likely to be causing her a lot of pain in and around her chest," Dr Marshall explained to Will.

"I thought you drained her belly the first night she was here," Will questioned.

Dr Marshall nodded. "We did. It can build up again. We want to do a surgery to insert a chest tube. It will act as a continuous drain and hopefully allow her to heal properly. We'll also clear her abdomen again during the surgery"

Will nodded understandingly. "And what about the ventilator?"

"She's improving every time she opens her eyes. That much is clear. Start trying to encourage her to communicate through blinking. Once she's alert and aware enough to handle that, we can start trying to wean her off the ventilator, provided her lungs remain clear"

"Ok. Thank you so much for everything," Will replied softly, shaking the doctor's hand.

"I'll bring the forms for the surgery in shortly," Dr Marshall said as he walked back towards JJ's room.

Nodding, Will turned around, slipping through the door to find JJ stirring from her sleep again. Henry was in the corner of the room, his laptop plugged into the wall, his headphones placed over his ears.

Taking his usual seat at the side of the bed, Will took his wife's hand in his own, running small circles on the back of it with his thumb.

"You're gonna be ok, cher. Dr Marshall is doin' everything she can to take away your pain and get you back on your feet"

JJ squeezed her eyes shut as a ripple of pain shot through her chest. Thank god there was a physical cause for the strange sensations and pain she had been experiencing since waking up.

"I wish it had been me in that car"

Will's quiet statement made JJ snap her eyes open. She looked straight at him, seeing the tears pooling in his eyes.

"Then it would be me here, not you...and Abigail would still be alive," he said sadly.

Squeezing Will's hand, JJ made him look at her.

And then using all the energy she had, she shook her head slightly, indicating that she did not wish for the same thing. The movement shocked Will; it was the first real indication he'd had that JJ was focused enough to understand what he was saying.

_I would never wish that you had been hurt. _

If only she could talk.


End file.
